Dear Diary,
I am writing because I feel stuck at the moment and I am hoping this helps to clear my mind and organize my thoughts. As I enter a new year, emotionally, I feel very stuck in the past and I have so many desires I hope to fulfill this year.
I spent 2016 with new people, trying new things, and learned a lot of new lessons. I’ll say, for me this past year has been one I will never forget.
I would love to share everything I have learned, however that would require me to have actually learned and changed due to something specific. I say this with a bit of sarcasm because, yes of course I have learned a lot, but I also feel as if I did not reach a lot of goals that were very important to me.
Something I find very very important is independent happiness, learning to be happy without influence or circumstances due to other people is SO relevant, and it is something I have lost in the past year. Ever since I was really young I have valued the trait of independence and along with that came a very specific attitude I carry which yields a lot of mental strength. Perhaps it was due to a build up of unfortunate events 2016 held for me, but I lost something in myself that carried a piece of my independence: happiness.
Let me explain something- It is not that I am unhappy constantly, it’s that I let my happiness become very inconsistent and dependent upon specific people. This was my biggest mistake of 2016. My mistake was letting other people determine what type of person I wanted to represent- this makes me sick even writing.
In all honesty, I am still at a loss as to where I went wrong (in specific), in order to let myself face so much anxiety and sadness over things I never wanted to bug me. I have become so sensitive in accordance to the treatment I receive from others, and while it has been an issue for a while, I do believe it is a good thing.
Yes, my emotional stability has not been great, BUT I am so determined to figure myself out this year, and find exactly what is messing with me and remove it from my life. I strive endlessly to offer positivity and love to those around me and when it is not returned I tend to sink.
The truth is, I am sitting in my bed with a pounding head ache and a stomach with 300 knots in it because I feel so anxious about every aspect of my life and writing is very therapeutic for me. I have about 34 other things I desperately should be doing, but for once I think my mental state should be adressed and prioritized. I turn 18 tomorrow and I want to use that as a road block for myself, a mental pinpoint of where I am going to make change- conveniently enough, it also happens to fall 3 days into a new year.
While my happiness has been in waves these past months, my strength and passion has not been. I have learned SO much about what I truly care about and what means the most to me and I do value that a lot. I have developed an overwhelmingly strong interest in women’s rights and racial equality this last year and I plan to carry my interest into this year and hopefully my career. Devoting myself to research and education in accordance to things I have genuine interest in has definitely been one of the better things that has been brought into my life lately and something I would definitely recommend to those feeling a bit lost: dig into your passion.
Side note: It is so crazy that as soon as you share your opinion on specific events or debates the amount of people in your life suddenly decrease just based on your insights. Learn to open your mind and respect the people around you! Educate yourself on topics you care about and speak with an intention to help grow them, not attack them.
This year is about consistency. What 2016 lacked was security for me, and I am going to do what I can to regain that feeling. Family, friends, sports, weight, spirituality: all pieces of my life that lacked consistency and pieces of my life I am seeking out change.
Something valid I constantly hear is the idea in which to remove those from your life that offer negativity and keep those who bring you up, this is something I really promote to my loved ones and I forget to apply it to myself.
There are so many people that genuinely could care less about your well being, and it is really hard to grasp that. For me personally, it’s harder to grasp the idea of not showing every individual that enters my life love and positivity and forgiveness- which is why it is EXTREMELY hard for me to let go of negative beings in my life, because I hold on to the pieces of them that have benefitted me. Some would probably see this as a good thing- but it comes to a point sometimes where you see your own life degrading due to the people you have chosen to surround yourself with.
I am choosing to love myself this year, gracefully and passionately, love myself. And in doing so I am going to make positive shifts in my life that I know will come by the challenging act of voluntarily, and absolutely loving myself.
I have spent far too many hours crying myself to sleep, going to school feeling nauseous, and not enjoying myself amongst my friends and family.
I am going to work hard to not let specific people determine how my life is going to go, or how I am going to feel- because that is up to me and I have an entire life to live.
I think often times our mental health is over looked and joked about far too much, as people we should be loving on each other and ourselves to help develop our communities/homes/schools into safer places.
The age of 18 will be a year of growth and change for myself, along side 2017.
Sincerely,
Sophia Lindsay
Dear Diary 